Saturday, February 13, 2010

Some Jokes I stole, mostly JT related

Ashely Cole was cuaght speeding doing 100mph in a 50 zone, He told the police he was rushing home as he had heard that John Terry was outside his house.

At the end of February, Chelsea are playing away from home in between two European legs.

Something John Terry will be more than familiar with.

It’s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain’s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed

John Terry has done nothing wrong.

All coaching manuals state that if the full back leaves a hole, it’s the centre back’s job to fill it.

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man United fan were all in a strange unnamed country, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol was a severe offence, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the stuff, they were each sentenced to death!
However, after many months, and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a national holiday on the day that their trial finished, and the unusually benevolent ruler of this strange place decided they could be released after receiving just twenty lashes each.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the ruler declared:
“It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Arsenal fan was first in line, so he thought about this for a while and then said:
“Please tie a pillow to my back.”
This was done, but the pillow only lasted ten lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Man United fan was next up, and after watching the scene, said:
“Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back.”
But even two pillows could only take fifteen lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the ruler turned to him and said:
“You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Cheers mate, your most royal and merciful highness”, the Liverpool fan replied.
“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not twenty, but one hundred lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” cooed the ruler, with an admiring look on his face.
“If one hundred lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?”
“Please tie the Man United fan to my back.”

What is John Terry's favourite Red Hot Chilli Peppers song?... Under The Bridge

What has V Perroncel got in common with Champions League final goalpost? They’ve both been banged by John Terry.

It's a good thing JT doesn't bring all his girlfriends to watch him play every match. Abramovich would have to increase the capacity of Stamford Bridge by 20,000.

So JT has been caught stealing another man's girl. I bet his old mum will be so proud he's learned something from her. Somebody bought me a box of Terry's All Gold. I was shocked to find new chocs called French Fancy and Cheat Cluster.

The England team have voted for Terry to keep his place in the World Cup squad. With the ban on WAGs travelling to South Africa, no one wants him left behind.

Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Bridge? All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.

Missing: 1 x Bottle
Last Seen: 21st May, Moscow
If found please return to: John Terry, Stamford Bridge, London

Heard about the John Terry tyre? Excellent durability but not so good in the wet.

John Terry always listens to the same song before a game - Born Slippy.

What is top of the man utd pop charts? Footloose.

Did you hear about the new 'Chelsea Bra'? Lots of support but no cups.

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegedly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing: "We're forever blowing Doubles."

John Terry is going to start making is own brand of vodka - and like him it's bottled in Russia.

After Ryan Giggs lifted the Champions League cup for a second time he had a peek inside and there was a Chocolate Orange in it. He said - "It's not Terry's, it's mine!"

John Terry is set to appear before the Iraq inquiry after alleged secret meetings with Bush

John Terry has “vowed to give everything to the team”. Yeah, syphilis… chlamydia… warts… herpes…

I knew JT liked scoring at The Bridge, but this is just ridiculous.

“Hi, I’m John Terry and sneaking out Windows was my idea.”

John Terry to star in new TV program “Other Footballers Wives”

After Wayne Bridge refused to play for England while John Terry remains captain, fans want Terry to try it on with Emile Heskey’s wife.

Q: What do Wayne Bridge and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both should’ve stayed at Southampton.

JT said he didn’t mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel – he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

Songs: To the tune of Simple Gifts (Lord of the Dance)

Chelsea, wherever you may be,
Don’t leave your wife with John Terry,
He’ll take her to a clinic in a back alley,
And then he’ll fuck off to the UAE

Chelsea, wherever you may be,
Don’t leave your wife with John Terry,
He’ll whinge and he’ll cry, and he’ll piss off to Dubai
While the captaincy decision is nigh

Chelsea, Wherever you may be,
Don’t leave your wife with John Terry.
Cuz he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff,
And he’ll get your missus up the duff

Terry … his whole family
can’t stay away from the scrutiny
whether selling dust or nicking groceries
now it’s fratricide with adultery

Chelsea wherever you may be,
Don’t trust your wives with John Terry,
His dad sells crack, his mum is a thief
He cries when he misses a penalty!

Another song to The Addams Family:
They say his mum’s a stealer,
They say his dad’s a dealer,
He’s screwing his mate’s Sheila,
The Terry Family”.


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